How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
