So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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