Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
