I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
