The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
