Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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