just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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