Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We're like a lot better than the average bears
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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