another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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