I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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