she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
