I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Randomize
