she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
