pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
