Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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