Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
