he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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