Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
