mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize