If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
