Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
