he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
