i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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