dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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