I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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