I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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