I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I stole a fireplace last night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
