I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
