Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
