Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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