So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
