nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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