Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
