she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
