the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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