I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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