and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
