so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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