mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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