1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
