I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
