Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize