Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
