Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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