wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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