I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
