between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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