i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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