So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We had sex on a dog bed..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
