i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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