I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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