matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
