i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
