There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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