Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
