i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
