The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Green mimosas i think yes
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
